Judging from conversations I’m having these days with loved ones of those who have suddenly found themselves unemployed, or fear that they might be, there are a lot of people entering 2009 with concerns about another person’s employment status.
While we all recognize that it’s difficult being the one out there looking for work, we sometimes forget that it is also emotionally challenging for the spouse or the parent of that person.
You want very much to be supportive, to be wholeheartedly there for your husband, wife or child, but at the same time you are grappling with your own fears. Keeping your anxiety from overcoming the goal of providing support and encouragement to the work-seeker is a tricky business.
Some years ago when my husband lost his job, I was as caring and kind as I knew how to be, but at the same time I was also doing hand-to-hand combat with all the things we worry about when our financial security is threatened.
What about after the severance ran out? Would we be able to get by on unemployment plus the income from my business, which was just then getting started? What about health insurance? Should we cancel our travel plans for the summer?
All of a sudden everything that came up, whether it was to drop Netflix or put off replacing the kitchen countertop, was about money. And anything having to do with money flipped my fear switch.
I began to observe that whenever the switch was on, the content of my conversations with my husband shifted. I became his problem solver, a fountain of helpful suggestions. There was nothing intrinsically wrong with this, except that because of my fear, these suggestions were offered with a prodding urgency. I needed him to take action so that I would feel better.
Yet by inflicting my help on him out of my need to feel in control, I was taking from him what he needed most, confidence in his own ability to get through this event. When I realized this, I started to take long walks to keep my fear in check. After that, I became much more genuinely supportive.
