My husband and I were taking Amtrak to Virginia, and in Trenton, a stylishly dressed mature woman boarded the train and took the seat behind us. She dozed until Wilmington in an erect posture with her back against the window. Then she awoke and called her son.
I know this because it’s impossible not to overhear a cell phone conversation on a train, and because her opening remark, intended to capture her son’s full attention, also got mine.
“God invented cell phones,” she said, “so that mothers could call their sons to see if they will be picking them up at the station or if they will be left on the curb like a discarded piece of luggage.”
I immediately envisioned a middle-aged attorney or executive cringing in his office. Now I know this was speculation, but given the birthday gift bag on the seat beside her, and her highly organized manner, it was hard to believe that there had been no prior conversations about her arrival and the logistics connected with it. Yet the intensity of her tone made it clear she did not trust the arrangements would be carried out.
Under bombardment from fear-generating headlines and water cooler rumors, employees and business owners have the same choice—they can either react to the fear or do the inner work needed to transform personal angst into a constructive response.
Although at first my empathy went toward the adult child on the receiving end of this parental shot across the bow, as I thought about what was behind the mother’s harshly expressed need for reassurance, I realized that some part of her didn’t believe she was valuable enough to be picked up.
NOT VALUABLE ENOUGH
Everyone looking for work, whether job-employment or self-employment, deals with this demon, and it isn’t helped by a slowing economy in which each day brings headlines which provide more fodder for self-doubt.
- Will declining sales force my company to lay people off? Will I be among those plucked?
- Are my technical skills strong enough to hold up against stiff competition? Overseas outsourcing?
- Is the salary level that is commensurate with my age and experience an obstacle?
- Are struggling companies less willing to invest in young talent?
- What will happen to my business as people tighten their belts? Will I be able to ride out the projected downturn?
These concerns are certainly valid, but what’s important is what we do with them. We can spit out the raw fear they bring up in us, or chew them down into something “digestible” which has the potential to nourish us.
Had the mother calling her son been able to acknowledge her vulnerability rather than project it on him, the conversation might have been quite different. If she had sat with her feelings long enough to gain perspective (“He’s always picked me up promptly in the past”), take ownership (“I made the choice to make this trip”), and access gentleness toward herself and others (“My anxiety is a natural part of travel and my son is doing his best to assure my comfort”), she might have started out with, “I know it’s silly for me to worry, but I’m feeling a little anxious about arriving in a strange city.”
Under bombardment from fear-generating headlines and water cooler rumors, employees and business owners have the same choice—they can either react to the fear or do the inner work needed to transform personal angst into a constructive response.
The transformation starts with a deeper level of self-inquiry: “How can I acknowledge what I’m feeling in a positive way?”
From this a new set of questions emerges:
- Would it be helpful to have a conversation with my boss to see how I can enhance my value to the organization?
- Have I become so settled in that I’ve neglected my own professional development?
- How can I modify my business in order to continue to be a resource to the clients/customers I serve?
These sorts of questions lead to the same kind of creative brainstorming a professional applies to any business situation. They shift the focus from what you can’t change (e.g. increasing costs, the decline of the dollar, senior management’s decision-making) to what you can change (your skills repertoire, state of readiness, range of options).
Taking leadership responsibility for reframing the discussion going on inside your head will move you toward a solution instead of keeping you stuck in the quagmire of negative thinking.
Whatever our political persuasion, most of us would agree that we want the next leader of our country to be able to look reality straight in the eye and be optimistic at the same time. No less is required of you as the leader of your own professional life.
WHAT ARE YOU FEEDING?
I suspect, like most of us, the woman on the train had no idea she was sending forth negative energy like a multi-megawatt transmitter. Nor was she aware of the extent to which she was feeding it, first by sharing her misery with another disgruntled traveler, and then by complaining to the conductor every time he walked by about the train being late into Washington.
Unfortunately for her, and her fellow passengers, this brought her no relief. She spent the last hour of the journey sighing exaggeratedly like a petulant child. I wanted to stick a crossing light in front of her, one that flashed bright red lights and said, “Stop, Look, Listen.” Then I recalled that I have to keep one handy for myself. Whenever I feel trapped into thinking I’m a victim of circumstances, I need something to remind me that no matter what is going on I always have a choice about how I respond.
Three things save me from myself.
- Vigilance. I must be attentive to what I’m saying, how I’m saying it, and its effect on another person. Even just being aware that it has an effect helps me to take responsibility for the kind of energy I radiate. One way I do this is by keeping track of the number of times I say something in exactly the same way. If I hear myself repeating a grievance a second or third time, I know I’m still caught up in the surface drama of suffering some wrong and haven’t moved to the more empowered place.
- Selectivity. The choice of who you vent to has a huge impact on whether your negativity meter rises or falls. We know who we can count on to be outraged over the things that outrage us, and who is likely to provide a more balanced view. Being judicious in your choice of confidante, asking yourself, “Who is my best resource to work through these feelings” is completely different from seeking out someone who will join you in a negative chorus.
- Counterbalance. In the same way it takes effort to eat healthy when junk food is much more readily available, it is necessary to consciously seek out positive voices in a culture of pervasive negativity. The people I quote each month in this newsletter represent some of the counter voices I have found. I can be completely disheartened about something in my personal life or in the world, and pick up Meg Wheatley and read how women in African have organized to improve their lives and feel hopeful. The times we live in require keeping positive reading materials handy
So why bother to do all this? Can’t you call a spade and spade and still get where you want to go? Maybe. I’m sure the mother on the train got picked up and everyone at the party indulged her when she went on and on about her terrible experience. But was she a valued guest?
Maybe you’ll be able to hold on to your job or your customers through tough times, even if don’t work at staying out of the negativity, but it’s also very likely that by reacting from your negative feelings rather than responding to them you will be adding to your risk. You can’t come from a negative space and feel valuable at the same time. Like oil and water, the two don’t mix.
Bottom Line—if you don’t think you’re valuable enough to be picked up, no one else will.
