Sitting across the table from me is a very bright, articulate, mature woman with an underutilized law degree.
She has a vision—a family law practice to serve an ethnic community with which she has a shared heritage, and for whom she has been a volunteer advocate for years.
She is at a point in her life where she wants to claim her professional status in ways which honor her social consciousness, but the opinions of others have stopped her in her tracks.
“There are so few encouraging voices,” she says. Her head droops and she begins a litany of the dispiriting comments she’s heard from people with whom she has shared her goal—the economy is awful, you’ll be competing with young attorneys right out of law school who will work for nothing, immigration law is very complicated, etc.
Building upon this foundation of negativity, she adds obstacles of her own: “Maybe I don’t have the skills, the experience, or the stamina ….”
I have a strong urge to jump in and remind her of her many positive attributes, but I keep quiet and let her finish. When I speak I don’t argue with anything she has said, but softly observe, “It’s all about working the process. When we make a choice to pursue a particular goal, our task is simply to do our very best to stay in the process of working toward it, which includes not abandoning it prematurely because of what ‘they’—whoever they happen to be—have to say.”
By engaging in this tiny act of empowerment, I’m taking charge of the one thing I do have control over, my attitude. It won’t change any of the big stressors in my life, but it will keep whatever contribution I can make to improving my corner of the world from being blocked by self-induced defeatism.
UNRELENTING BAD NEWS
My session with this woman left me thinking about how the negativity in our culture impedes the professional growth and development of very talented and capable people.
How do they protect ourselves from the toxic effects of pessimism and cynicism?
Do they even recognize the extent to which too much information, too many man-on-the-street opinions, is a threat to their state of mind, energy and capacity to carry on?
The media continually inundates us with warnings about dangers to our physical safety, but who is there to tell us how to protect our psyche from the unintended consequences of the non-stop dissemination of bad news?
A GROCERY STORE PARABLE
I live on Cape Cod, a place where a lot of people like to visit, and because they also like to eat, routine grocery shopping in the summertime is at best challenging. I recently went looking for sponges and there were none. Imagine, a run on sponges! Sponges!!
On a Saturday in high season, when I’m in desperate need for something like cat food (one of the few things we absolutely can’t do without), the negativity that can fill my head, if I let it, as I grocery shop has the potential to contaminate the rest of my day.
On one of these Saturdays, I was on my way into the store and I happened to notice that there were hand sanitizers near the carts in the entryway. Since last winter’s attack of swine flu, the stuff is everywhere, and it occurred to me that as a society we’ve become far more conscientious about fighting germs than negativity.
We’re told plenty about the need for hand sanitizers, but I realized that what we really need are sanitizers for our heads, i.e., our attitude!
So now as I swipe the cart handle, I tell myself I will make an equally deliberate choice to disinfect my attitude while shopping. I will ask visitors where they are from, watch the dynamics around mothers and daughters making menu choices, help a disoriented Dad find the ketchup, offer an encouraging word to a frazzled cashier, and remember my good fortune to live here.
USING THE ATTITUDE SANITIZER
When I’m in the grip of negativity I’m not able to access alternative choices. But if I can interrupt the downward spiral, I can come up with creative options instead of dead ends.
I try to use my “attitude sanitizer” by continually checking in with myself to see how I’m reacting to news about unemployment, gushing oil, weather disasters or the cumulative effects of my powerlessness over the world as it is right now, so that I can get back to where I want to be in the moment.
By engaging in this tiny act of empowerment, I’m taking charge of the one thing I do have control over, my attitude. It won’t change any of the big stressors in my life, but it will keep whatever contribution I can make to improving my corner of the world from being blocked by self-induced defeatism.
PRECAUTIONS AGAINST NEGATIVITY
Health organizations have aggressively publicized guidelines on how to protect yourself from the spread of disease. Their suggestions include, washing your hands regularly, covering your mouth when you cough, avoiding crowds, and wearing a mask.
Here are my corresponding precautions to fight off negativity:
- Every time you wash your hands or use a hand sanitizer, make an inquiry into your state of mind as well.
- Just as you cover your mouth when you cough, contain the spread of messages that are harmful to yourself, and others, by pressing an imaginary reset button in palm of your hand.
- When you’re in the company of others who you think are succumbing to negativity, ask them to describe the experiences or data their opinion is based on, and don’t settle for vague generalities.
- Be selective with whom you talk to about your plans. Screen out people who make your spirits sag, and seek out those who lift them.
“Attitude sanitizer”! LOVE IT! Am forwarding this newsletter. Thanks!
Taped to my monitor: “So long as a person is capable of self-renewal they are a living being.”~ Henri Frederick Amiel
Getting to a clean, fresh state is hard enough. Then being empowered for that leap of faith needed to tackle a blank canvas is certainly scary. If you have a parachute, a long fall will be a graceful landing. If someone cuts your rip-cord and shortens the leap, there will be injury indeed.
I am job hunting. And I am great. I have always been great, right from the start. Somehow I missed my own glory, the rip-cord was pulled and I no longer care because I think I will leap into a hot air balloon. I am great and wonderful despite my current status. You are great, too. Pass it on.
Attitude sanitizer- I love that reset button!
Hi Bev, I read your columns every time and they are so full of uplifting advice in a very troubled economy. You must have a splendid background in phycology. The troubles people have during a job change are so distressing that a positive attitude is the only thing that will get you through.
I have had experience during job changes due to shifts in workload or management and found that my best help was always my track record and networking. I have found that when that is insufficient you may have to rely on your own resources and flexibility to adapt to change or create a job that gives satisfaction without the structure of a large organization. As you get to the 50’s that becomes imperative.
Love retirement, All the best, Arthur
@Arthur Taddei,
Thank you for speaking to and modeling how to use your resources in your work life, and beyond, in retirement. And thanks for reading, and for staying in touch. Bev.
It is not “easy” to get discouraged. I am generally an optimistic person, but when time goes on and on with no job or change in sight, it can get truly discouraging. Sometimes it is hard to be our own cheerleader, but I wish your client lots of encouragement in figuring out how to create her wish for her own family law business. There are lots of us “out here” who would cheer her on of we knew her! Have faith in yourself and your abilities. Take one logical step in the process, then another and another. Hold positive thoughts about yourself! And good luck! You can do it and we all want you to!
@Gay Wells,
I know what you mean about when “time goes on and on” without change, and that’s why there is such a need for people in this situation to build a community of supportive people who will do more than simply commiserate.
Awesome….this applies to adults and children. Thank you!!!!
Bev – At this time of reflection and renewal in my faith tradition, I was struck by how resonant and compatible your newsletter message was with my rabbi’s sermon this last week. No matter how the message to consider attitude, empowerment and self-reflection is sent, these elements do make a tremendous difference in how we go about making choices and living our lives. Thank you for your contribution to the dialogue.
@Amy Mazur,
Thanks, Amy, for connecting my message with your faith tradition.
I’m actually looking forward to my next cough!
Hi Bev – I just finished reading Ground Of Your Own Choosing which I really enjoyed and led me to your blog.
Concerning opinions – I am currently reading Speak Human by Eric Karjaluoto; he provides an interesting stance: “Concerning opinions – Choose your timing, questions, and those you ask them of, carefully.”
At first glance this seems obvious, but not so. I think business owners (especially newly-minted entrepreneurs) need to take this advice to heart. When starting a business there will always be more people who will discourage rather than encourage – so choose your advisors carefully. Not that I recommend surrounding yourself with yes-men, however you need to understand where the opinion is being formed from.
The key is to just do your thing, the discouraging types will either drift away or eventually become believers as you stick to it and gain traction. More like-minded people who share in your dream will be attracted to you.
Thanks for a great article!
@John R. Sedivy,
Thanks so much for your comment. This summer I attended a workshop with Organizational Development gurus Charlie and Edie Seashore on the Effective Use of Self and they had couple of interesting ideas on feedback. The first is that feedback always says more about the person giving it than it does about the person receiving it. The other is that the person receiving feedback always controls what happens with the feedback. The fact that it is afflicted on you doesn’t mean you have to take it.
@Beverly Ryle, Hi Bev – Thanks for the response and sharing your workshop experience. I hadn’t heard that about feedback before, but it makes perfect sense!