Every event or conversation that upsets or displeases us is made up of two components: what actually happens in real time, and what our head does with it afterwards. We have little or no control over many of the difficult things which occur in our lives, but we can change our response to them.
A good starting point in keeping our minds from spinning out of control is to learn how to “drop the shock and awe.” We do this by making a choice not to be surprised—once again—by behavior that we know from past experience is consistent with a particular person.
Because we already know what to expect, we can eliminate, or at least shorten, the time we spend trying to build a case for why we find another person’s thinking, words or actions unacceptable.
Sometimes, when I hear clients talk about all the draining interpersonal dynamics at work, I wonder how they get anything done!
For example: a man takes his lunch to the park on a lovely spring day, and just as he is settling down on a bench in the sun and unwrapping his sandwich, a pigeon lands a few inches away and proceeds to do what pigeons do. Infuriated, he screams at the bird and storms back to his office.
What happened was only the work of one brief moment in time, but his outrage over it robs him of his lunch hour, spoils the rest of his afternoon, and is still with him that night at the dinner table when he tells his wife about what happened.
Surely, anyone living in an urban environment has had enough experience with pigeons to know what to expect of them, but he reacts as if it were a personal affront.
And we all do this, repeatedly, diverting our energy from the work at hand and keeping us from feeling good about our accomplishments.
One of my clients recently left a consulting practice to take a position with a rapidly growing nonprofit where she hopes to use her knowledge to improve strategic planning and communication.
Although she was well aware of her staff’s resistance to the new ways of thinking she brings to the organization, she immediately started to react when the inevitable happened and one of her suggestions was subtly sabotaged in a passive aggressive way.
She remembered my advice to “drop the shock and awe” and emailed me, before she got hooked into anger, to ask how she should respond.
I replied, “How much energy do you want to give this?”
“5% of zero,” she wrote back, and went on with the rest of her day.
Sometimes, when I hear clients talk about all the draining interpersonal dynamics at work, I wonder how they get anything done!
Making the choice not to get side-tracked or slip into feeling sorry for ourselves because of what a colleague or boss is doing or not doing offers us the freedom to live more productive and satisfying work lives.
Every incident that comes up is a opportunity to experiment with a new approach. We already know how to do outrage at them—why not try gentleness with ourselves?
After all, who suffered the consequences of what happened in the park—the man or the pigeon?
Yes, there are very real conflicts in the workplace, but self-leadership means choosing not to create a lot of drama in ourselves about them so that they don’t become debilitating.
It means that you just get out your handkerchief, so to speak, and wipe off the seat and accept that pigeons poop.
Yes, yes.
It has been hard at times, but I have tried to adopt this tactic with the three boys that I interact with during the day. (I am a household manager with a bit of ‘nannying’ thrown in) When one or all of the boys acts up, and I do not react with ‘shock and awe’, I find that I can communicate more clearly with them. I am precise and they listen better and the bad behaviour dissipates leaving behind no hurt feelings. And I feel much better about my self and my actions.
Nothing in my experience is more dysfunctional than coming into an acquired company where many of the “old” employees have hung on to see what happens. People are many times defensive about change and hold onto to past.
I have met endless people who talk constantly about the way business was done he last 40 years even though the whole business model has changed. They just seem to be afraid, especially in this economy. To fit my new position I try to fall between defending and compromising my views and considering the audience.
Hi Beverly,
I was in the class with Joan Goldsmith when you were her assistant…which goes back aways. I’ve always enjoyed your newsletters and your book.
A book for you that you might find helpful is “How to Reduce Workplace Conflict & Stress” by Anna Maravelas. She has done some work around the brain and flooding to not get hooked, in your language, to “shock & awe” I have worked with her for about 20 years and now do some of her business development in my “spare time”. Students like her model for its simplicity to be able to use it in the workplace with their peers. Enjoy. Karen Borre
Hello
I have been searching for two days hoping to find a forum where I can talk about the very overt ageist behaviour that I am currently trying to manage. All I really wanted was to explore optimal, non offensive responses to this behaviour towards me. So far, I have been unable to find this type of resource. What is really interesting is that, for all the years I worked in family violence prevention, we produced a mountain of resources for the abused and their families. It would seem that struggling with ageist attitudes is not so high on the social agenda. There also appears to be a focus on ageism in the workplace rather than out there in social arena.
I am a highly educated, resourceful person with an excellent working knowledge of current issues and technology. Yet, on a daily basis, I am treated like a five year old.
It is not easy to respond in a mature and kind manner.
Thankyou for your writings. I will try to track down your works in the local library.
Many Regards
Lyn Kearsley