People who vacation on Cape Cod would probably find it strange that someone who lives here would leave in July.
Nor would they be likely to see the connection between their arrival and my need to get away.
Initially our annual mid-summer escape was motivated by the desire to leave our tourists behind and become tourists ourselves.
We have come, however, like many others, to love the meandering coastline of Maine, with its rugged coves, smooth-as-glass inlets, and sailboat-dotted harbors.
We have grown particularly fond of the panoramic, almost three-hundred-and-sixty degree view of Penobscot Bay from Owls Head Light. It has become for us a must-go-to-whenever-we’re-there destination.
This year we made it the last stop, a place to pause to take in the beauty of the natural world before turning our backs on the sea and facing the five-and-a-half hours of highway ahead of us.
Some places never disappoint, and when you know this, it adds to the joyful anticipation of returning.
When the marriage to work eclipses the marriage to self, we fall into “a false form of maturity, which is actually a form of nonparticipation, of not seeing, not hearing and not imagining.”
I could feel my excitement grow as we followed route 73 beyond the restaurants and shops of Rockland.
Passing through the sparsely populated neighborhoods of modest homes to the center of the town of Owls Head (which consists of a general store and the smallest, most charming post office I’ve ever seen), and finally out past the boatyard to the entrance of the state park, my heart soared with gratitude for once again being able to come to this sacred place.
We parked the car and walked uphill through pines framing the brilliant, sparkling blue of sea and sky. A steep cliff edged with swaying daylilies, Queen Anne’s lace and dried grasses dropped off on our right, and on the left a flight of stone steps took us to the promontory where the lighthouse sits.
We parked the car and walked uphill through pines framing the brilliant, sparkling blue of sea and sky. A steep cliff edged with swaying daylilies, Queen Anne’s lace and dried grasses dropped off on our right, and on the left a flight of stone steps took us to the promontory where the lighthouse sits.
When we arrived, there were several others on the small path that encircled the base of the light, so I retreated to a rock nearby to honor my reverence by sitting cross-legged in openness and silent reflection.
Seconds later, I felt as if I’d been shot from a cannon back into the world of cubicles, computers, and clients, as the gentle off-shore breeze carried what seemed like a never ending business conversation to ears of everyone standing within a fifty yard radius. A middle age executive, posing as a tourist, had destroyed the moment by reaching into his pocket for his cell phone.
BLESSING OR CURSE
This could easily become a diatribe about the general lack of courtesy in public cell phone use, which, truth be told, is what occupied my thoughts for a good portion of the trip home.
In fact, even before we left the light, I’d already decided I would get even by writing a column about the offender—a significant step back from my first impulse, which was to tackle him from behind in the hope that the peace-shattering instrument in his hand would pop out, bounce down the rocky cliff, and be swallowed up by the sea.
But the real question is not about where cell phone use should and should not be permitted, but rather, do we use technology in a way that is respectful of ourselves as well as others? Does it improve our lives or distract us from fully living it?
THREE MARRIAGES
In The Three Marriages, poet David Whyte explores what he calls the three marriages which we commit to in our lifetimes—to a partner, to work or a vocation, and to ourselves, the “hidden marriage to a core conversation [within].”
Our task in life is to integrate, not balance, these three marriages, for as Wythe warns, “To neglect one … is to impoverish them all, because they are not actually separate commitments but different expressions of the way each individual belongs in the world.”
The behavior of the man on the cell phone at Owls Head clearly indicated that his marriage to work had come, at least in that moment, to dominate his life. His surroundings, rather than providing self-renewal, were a backdrop, like the view out the window of an office or conference room.
Ironically, it’s likely that he needed the renewal the vista offered more than he needed to reassure the client he was speaking to of his availability, which he did multiple times during the conversation.
After all, he hadn’t climbed the stairs to the light just to make a phone call! And yet when he got there he was unable to give his undivided attention to himself.
In the best definition of burnout I’ve ever read, Whyte explains the condition as the state in which “we erect a barrier inside ourselves which lets things out” but blocks our capacity to allow anything back in. We cut off our ability to receive, to be fed and truly refreshed just when we most need it.
When the marriage to work eclipses the marriage to self, we fall into “a false form of maturity, which is actually a form of nonparticipation, of not seeing, not hearing and not imagining.”
P.S. When I got back to the office there were four emails from a client engaged in the final stages of a negotiation.
By this time I had stopped obsessing about the cell phone interruption, and, grateful that I was able to choose the better portion, I replied unapologetically that I’d been away for a few days, unplugged.
For I know that I serve my clients best when I regularly draw from my own well.
Hi Bev,
Thank you for the very insightful and necessary article on the “Three Marriages.”
I will write down the importance of balance in my in my journal today.
I have vacationed in Owls Head Maine. I was living in Brooklyn at the time. Quite a change. It took me a while to unwind, and to open to the peace and serenity of the environs. I remember a magical and mystical place. My fondest memories are of Dolphins, gleaming waters, rock formations that look like Whales, Sea Urchins, and beautiful ducks!
Alas! My memories that involve our human nature are less appealing?
Blessings for this beautiful day!
Wendy Olin
Beverly,
As always, you seem to have hit the nail on the head, and with perfect timing! I had just gotten off the phone with my brother, who is now on a short and well-deserved vacation with my neices and staying with my mother. As soon as he got in yesterday, he had telephone calls from work that needed his immediate attention, and there he was, working on his vacation!
I think, oftentimes, that we are too connected, and that we find it necessary to justify our time spent away from the office to be with our families, or with ourselves in solitude, to our clients, making excuses why we were not immediately available to return their text, email or phone call. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend about just this topic – she told me, “That’s why we go on cruises – I can tell my clients that my phone does not work and that I am unreachable!”
(Aren’t you glad you made this your last stop!)
Hope to see you and speak with you soon!
Lisa Still
Right on, Lady Bev!!!!!!! One cannot keep giving, and giving, and giving till the Spirit is in a state of dehydration (merely because it is our job, profession, etc.). By placing ourselves in an atmosphere of peaceful stillness, we become rejuvinated and reinvigorated. But we must “drink up” until the emptiness is quenched. ;-}}} Joan
Hi Bev,
Boy, is this spot on. I must confess when reading I was hoping to hear where the cell phone would end up! Your points are very well taken regards ‘undivided attention’. As a fellow coach, it’s tragic to see clients jumping from one technology to another, vis a vie, cell phones to online searches or whatever technology can keep them away from themselves. The hampster wheel speed of today’s world is so enticing and so, so unproductive when what’s really needed is some simple repose. Think I’ll take your advice – off for a walk!
Best to you, Susan
There is another aspect to the overuse of electronic devices of all kinds that could be mentioned – safety. We all know the hazards of talking on cell phones and texting while driving. It is much more pervasive – I’ve seen people try to use phones while boating and skiing. A mother in a ski lift line was texting while her young daughter skidded and fell over. The mother was oblivious and when WE helped the young girl she excused herself by saying she was texting to the people they were supposed to meet in line. She reacted as if it was her daughter who misbehaved.
Your restraint in not speaking with the businessman using his phone is admirable. I would not have hesitated to make a comment about how he was not only disturbing his own (and possibly his family’s) time off but also the time of those around him.
Ancient cultures were reverant of places that provided rejuvenation to our beings – having respect and quiet in their presence. Too many of us neglect this practice and don’t take the time to rest and recharge.
Beverly,
You really hit one of my pet peeves with this one. I am apalled at the inappropriate use of cell phones EVERYWHERE, and by those who simply “Can’t” be away from theirs. Your restraint in not telling him how he was spoiling the time for you and others there was greater than mine would have been. How sad for him to miss that beauty!
We have set a few (unwritten) rules for the use of phones in our shop. We don’t ban them, but we (politely) ask people to go outside with them if they are being inconsiderate of others. Most people oblige without a problem but every once in a while there is an arrogance that we just as politely suggest needs to be elsewhere than in our (tries very hard to be ) peaceful, spiritual shop. Usually the others in the shop thank us for our intervention.
I love your comments about his need to disconnect and recharge his own spiritual batteries. Very well said, as always. Love your newsletters!
Bev, Your column “Owls Head” has given me a lot to ponder. My work intensifies in the summer, just when others take time off. I’ll look for ways to take time for self, reflect, and leave calls unanswered, while also being diligent with the work that’s mine to do.
Many thanks, Reita