What if every time I de-cluttered, picking up shoes, books, dishes, etc., instead of grumbling about it I paused to remember the recent tornado in Moore, Oklahoma and reminded myself that if I lived there I might have nothing left to put away?
What if, after listening to a discussion about nuclear proliferation in unstable countries halfway across the world, I closed my eyes and allowed the realization of the potential we have to destroy one another to inform how I create peace in the relationships in my life?
What if I looked at the opportunity I have to do the work I know how to do as a great gift, like Mike Leahy, the only person to get a job in the PBS New Hours story about the increasing despair of over-55 job seekers unable to find employment I talked about last month.
We find ourselves then with a choice—are we going to allow a serious challenge to make us harder on ourselves and others? Or will we decide to let it make us more aware of our shared human fragility and thus kinder toward one another?
“I wake up every day and, believe it or not, I am thrilled to be going to work,” Leahy said to interviewer Paul Solman. “I don’t think I’m going to lose that for some time. I may not lose that for the rest of my working career, because I know now how fragile this is.”
I wonder how much his attitude of gratitude helped him to get work.
Is it possible that some older workers are not being hired because their discouragement, no matter how justified it may be or how carefully they try to hide it, comes across in subtle ways, marking them as disgruntled?
Could it be that the way we handle our feelings about the injustices, inefficiencies and frustrations of the job search system is more important than the gap in our employment history?
If a sense of hopelessness starts to take root in us, do others sense it? Does it make a difference in the outcome?
It did for Pete, a 53 year old man who’d been out work for four years before he committed suicide.
I learned about him from one of his distraught friends who commented on the News Hour story mentioned in last month’s column. “We are disposable and not worth the hassle to a 28 year old HR person,” she wrote.
Sadly Pete is not alone. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has recently noted a 48% increase in the suicide rate by men in their 50s.
Among the probable causes identified for this alarming trend are financial stress, belonging to a generation where high achievement is expected, and a sense of helplessness to support dependents. All these are a natural part of being unemployed for a long period of time.
So we are back, again, to how we handle it.
When asked what could make a difference, Dr. Thomas Frieden, the Director of the CDC, answered, “The first is social connectedness, being involved, whether it’s book clubs or walking clubs or being with family or friends or teams or sports. Being involved with others, it makes a big difference. And the second is caring for your mental health. And I would highlight three particular areas: treatment, physical activity, and avoiding excess alcohol and drugs. For each of those things, there is something that everyone can do to be healthy or help others being healthier in terms of their mental status.”
We find ourselves then with a choice—are we going to allow a serious challenge to make us harder on ourselves and others? Or will we decide to let it make us more aware of our shared human fragility and thus kinder toward one another?
A client recently shared a video with me that shows what you would see walking though a hospital—patients on gurneys, visitors in waiting rooms, doctors and nurses going about their duties. There’s nothing out of the ordinary, except that in each case a bit of text appears on the screen which reveals the inner vulnerability of a person.
A man hands his wife a cup of coffee and the caption appears, “19 year old son on life support.” A patient slowly makes his way down a hall on crutches and we read, “Car accident six months ago, pain hasn’t gone away.” There are two men on an escalator and beside one the words say, “Tumor was benign,” the other “Tumor was malignant.”
We don’t know these people, but we know that the labels could easily pertain to us, just as “employed” or “unemployed” could apply to anyone at any time.
We all suffer. The question is, can we use our suffering to help each other. The video asks, “If you could stand in someone else’s shoes, hear what they hear, see what they see and feel what they feel, would you treat them differently?”
What do you think?
Beverly, I don’t always have the time to read your articles, but when I do I am always thankful for your writing. Thanks so much! You are appreciated here in Michigan. Don
@Don, and a reader in Michigan is appreciated on Cape Cod. Bev
Thanks Bev. You are on target as life is all about awareness. Someone told me once – “if you journal, begin by writing 5-10 observations. Look and listen.
@Barbara, We’ll have to start promoting the value of looking up from your smart phone now and then, at least to my grandchildren! Bev
Excellent article Bev. Thank you.
How we remember to treat ourselves and others in times of stress – our actions make all the difference.
In these times everyone suffers through some kind of loss, a job, a loved one, their health — acceptance and continuing on — that is truly part of life.
“I get it now, that life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible… and enjoying everything in between.” Mia Farrow
@Lynn Brewster, Thank you for a prefect quote to inspire empathy. I’m grateful to “get it” more than I use to and to be striving to be grace-full in all of life’s challenges, even Cape Cod summer traffic. Bev
Dear Beverly,
You seem to write what I need to hear each time I read your column. I will post Thich Nhat Hanh’s statements at my work station to remind me of my social work client’s suffering. Along side it will be the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi’s prayer.
May you feel blessed to be a blessing to so many, including me. Thank you.
Willa
@Willa Smith, You are in good company, Willa with St. Francis and Hanh and I am in good company to have a reader who extends to me her blessing. Than you, Bev
Intense Bev! Can’t this piece be required reading for HR professionals? I am sharing with a few people, and hope this blog entry gets spread around widely.
@Hilary Marcus, I was aware of the intensity of this entry as I wrote and posted it Hilary (thank you for acknowledging same) and feel a strong need to put new models for how we look at, think about and communicate with others in our very contentious world. Bev
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