I am often asked to present at large business gatherings, the kind that offer ample opportunities for networking.
Recently at a particularly well attended event, I overheard a woman who was just leaving say with great excitement that she had had a great networking day.
She had come with a hundred business cards and was leaving without a single one!
When I heard this, I couldn’t help thinking of all the times I’ve put my hand in my jacket pocket after one of these events and pulled out a handful of business cards without a clue who the people were or why I thought I’d ever want to talk with them again. They were just names to me.
On the other hand, whenever I’ve had a real conversation with someone and felt a genuine connection, I’ve always made a point to get their contact information, even if I had to jot it down on the back of a napkin or a receipt.
Networking has become commoditized to the point that it has lost its meaning. Just as artists like Van Gogh and Monet have suffered from overexposure by being reproduced again and again on posters, note cards, etc., so networking has turned the meaningful act of connecting with another human being into something perfunctory rather than engaging, and self-serving rather than mutually supportive.
Networking has become commoditized to the point that it has lost its meaning. Just as artists like Van Gogh and Monet have suffered from overexposure by being reproduced again and again on posters, note cards, etc., so networking has turned the meaningful act of connecting with another human being into something perfunctory rather than engaging, and self-serving rather than mutually supportive.
In last month’s column I challenged you to think about throwing out your resume.
This month, I’m suggesting you take the next step and stop networking.
Why? Networking has lost its human dimension, which has caused it to become counterproductive. If we want to enrich our professional lives, we need to replace this dehumanized activity with relationship-building.
WHAT’S IN A WORD
The word “networking” suggests anything but a warm, or even cordial, relationship between two people. Originally it referred to the linking of computers, and indeed, if you look in the dictionary, you will find this listed first among its meanings.
Building relationships requires more than linking. It asks us to participate on a deeper level. We can network on the surface and when we feel like it, but to build a relationship, we have to move beyond thirty-second elevator speeches, and we can’t go at it sporadically. We have to show up regularly.
Networking is self-serving, while a relationship is about people being invested in each others’ well-being. Networking is mechanical, while a relationship is personal. It can’t happen between robots—except in the Star Wars movies. Yet if you listen to what’s going on around you at some of these networking events, you’ll hear conversations that sound far less intimate than the banter between R2D2 and C3PO.
Networking is the equivalent of a stand-up sales call. It is no more effective in building a long-term business relationship than the hard-sell approach of a used car salesman.
Recently one of my clients worked very hard to get an appointment with the Executive Director of the Chamber on Commerce where he lives. He had been employed in another state and felt disconnected from the business community in the city he had just moved back to. He appropriately saw the Director as a link to a world he wanted to enter, and so he used the meeting to review his background and ask for help making contact with local business people.
Now put yourself in the Chamber Director’s place. Are your eyes rolling? Is this the umpteenth time this month someone has come to you wanting you to help him find a job? Has sat across from you at your desk in your office without making your goals, problems and needs part of the conversation? Has assumed that your role as the leader of a community business organization is to be a matchmaker?
But what’s wrong with this approach? It’s networking, right?
It sure isn’t relationship-building. My client is very personable and considerate, but in this case, by following standard protocol, he entered the Chamber Director’s space with the here-I-am-how-can-you-help-me of networking, rather than the there-you-are-how-can-I-help-you of relationship-building.
CONNECT AS PEOPLE FIRST
No matter what the business circumstance is, or how formal or informal the setting, the other person in relationship-building must always be greeted as another struggling human being, not as a title, a link, or a resource.
Why struggling? The stack of folders on the desk, the long list of telephone calls to be returned, the family photos on the credenza, all represent the demands and pressures of that particular person’s life. When you walk into someone’s office, take a close look at their world.
Even if the meeting my client had with the Chamber Director had taken place at a location where there were no such visual clues, he could have started the conversation with something like, “Was it difficult for you to get away from the office?”
He would have discovered that the Director was preparing for a big conference, hosting a golf tournament, and coaching his son’s little league team. All my client had to do to begin building a relationship was to suspend his agenda for few minutes and focus on what was going on in the Director’s life.
TELL YOUR STORY SELECTIVELY
It’s pretty easy for someone to figure out he’s hearing a verbal resume which has been honed by repetition into a neat little infomercial. It’s also pretty easy to tune it out.My client should have realized it was too soon to get into the saga of his professional life. A first meeting is about weaving a few threads of connection.
A better approach would have been to focus on only the most relevant parts of his story—his earlier involvement with the community and his desire to reconnect, plus just those aspects of his background which were most closely related to the Director’s needs. This would have led up to the most important thing he could have said: “What can I do to help?”
START SMALL AND AIM ONLY FOR A NEXT STEP
“What can I do to help?” is the key to relationship building. It contains within it a seed as magical as the ones that grew into Jack’s beanstalk. The offer to help implies reciprocity, the “MiracleGrow” of relationship-building.
There’s a major difference, though. Unlike the magic seed in the fairy tale, this one doesn’t sprout overnight. It grows slowly.
My client went to the meeting with the Director looking for quick results. Like a wannabe actress waiting on tables at a restaurant frequented by movie people, he wanted the Director to “discover” him and realize that he was the perfect choice for a leading role. He had hoped to make such a good impression that in a week or so the Director would call up and say, “I just thought of someone who has a great job that would be perfect for you.” That’s a lot to ask from a half hour with a stranger, especially when no seeds of reciprocity have been planted.
If, rather than pursuing a networking goal, my client had focused on building a relationship, he would have gone to the meeting simply seeking some way to get involved with the Chamber.
Then a next step might have been to volunteer to help out at the golf tournament, which would have won the Director’s appreciation and provided other relationship-building opportunities with area business people.
